massive massive feeling of desperation.

we sleep, with the hope that tomorrow's sunrise will give us new hope, new direction. sometimes it does, at the very last minute. most times it does not. we go through the day in the hope that tomorrow will be different. it usually will not.

and, for the record, the prayer i have uttered since mount carmel days have been the same, for over half a decade. i just asked for three things.
1) the continuance of "luck" for her, and more successes.
2) to be blessed with a child.
3) to have projects for me.
of which, only number one was granted, which in turn focused the spotlight on me, and not being able to pull my own weight.

the situations facing me then were still similar to the situations facing me now. much as i'd like to think that things will improve, fact remains that they have not. so, do i keep on dreaming that things will get better? or do i wise up and realize that they have not, and in all probability will not?

desperate.
really really terribly desperate.

REALIZATIONS of an unemployed man, looking for work, online

2013 has been a terrible year for my photography business. so, i started to look for work, online. here are some of the things i realized.

1) the two main online jobs portals, with their thousands of potential job vacancies, basically are a haven for employers who seem to just be window-shopping.
most times it will be a question of a salary mismatch. but instead of negotiating, they will rather just scratch you off their options list.

2) actual stats: over 40 applications for april & may. actual call backs? zero.

3) the sites now employ a "pitch" section where you are asked to pitch yourself to get noticed. occasionally, the employers will add a second page with their question, which often is too ludricruous to answer at all. ie; "what was the last time you decided without your boss? and what was the result?" oh my.

4) online jobs. there are none. you will find online sites advertising that. then when you click, you will be required to sign in to the site to receive junk mail for the rest of your life.

5) writing jobs. these go for 10c per line of 65characters. and then you will be asked to bid for your price. which of course has to be lower than that.

6) online jobs that require you to purchase something they made for $25, which will guarantee you a $25 return for each email you send out. it is actually an online job for them, not for anyone else.

7) job description mismatches. not quite as common, but it is out there.

8) executive search companies that apparently do not intend to keep a portfolio of the more expensive talents, from whom they will certainly earn a lot more to market.

9) websites that do not work, or do not submit.

10) you will learn to pray again.

hoping for a callback from a true GM position, but not too enthusiastic, given the history.

on writing 30

Eventually, we all will "write 30".

I wanted to write mine last June 20.
it had all been planned. use up all my resources, then just quietly go into the night, quietly chasing against the dying of the light. but monkey wrenches often find their way into the middle of all the best planned things. the monkey wrench was in the form of an email, asking if i still had chubby's remains. and i remembered why i tried to keep everything the way they were for the past three years; everything in the same place it was, since 2010. it was to aid in someone's recovery. and i knew that if i write 30, then the recovery would surely be compromised. unfortunately, without resources, how else will you be able to go to june 21?

and so, the plans had to be shelved.

unfortunately, without resources, i will also be in a worst pickle, on my own.

and now it is july 24, with still no projects in sight, i think my options have been lined up for me already.

apologies if this will throw your recovery into haywire.

there is a difference between not trying, and not having opportunities. and now, there are no opportunities for me. not for lack of intent, but rather, a genuine lack of opportunities. again, apologies for not being able to grow old with you.