on writing 30

Eventually, we all will "write 30".

I wanted to write mine last June 20.
it had all been planned. use up all my resources, then just quietly go into the night, quietly chasing against the dying of the light. but monkey wrenches often find their way into the middle of all the best planned things. the monkey wrench was in the form of an email, asking if i still had chubby's remains. and i remembered why i tried to keep everything the way they were for the past three years; everything in the same place it was, since 2010. it was to aid in someone's recovery. and i knew that if i write 30, then the recovery would surely be compromised. unfortunately, without resources, how else will you be able to go to june 21?

and so, the plans had to be shelved.

unfortunately, without resources, i will also be in a worst pickle, on my own.

and now it is july 24, with still no projects in sight, i think my options have been lined up for me already.

apologies if this will throw your recovery into haywire.

there is a difference between not trying, and not having opportunities. and now, there are no opportunities for me. not for lack of intent, but rather, a genuine lack of opportunities. again, apologies for not being able to grow old with you.