The Child I Never Had

In the few conversations we have had about having a child, we felt that gender was of less importance to us, as we simply preferred a normal, healthy child.

If I had a choice, I would prefer a girl, over a boy. Young girls seem to be easier to control, at least superficially, than young boisterous boys. Emotionally, I know they will be opposite.

I would prefer my daughter to start fat. Cute fat, not obese fat. Probably until the age of 5 or 6. Early school age. She will probably have relatively long hair. At least shoulder-length, probably a touch longer than that. It will probably be curly, or at least have curls somewhere.

She will have large doe eyes. Expressive. Transparent windows to her soul. I do not know how she will have large eyes, considering I do not. She also does not. But large doe eyes will give her such a disarming look, from which no one is immune. From the direct-ascendant lolas who are all not around anymore,to the lateral lolas, and titas (aunties as we call them on our chinese side) and the adopted lolas and sisters, and best friends. Same thing with the non-existent lolos, to the lateral lolos and titos (uncles) and our other male friends. Once she flashes the doe eyes, she will get her toys, chocolates, osh koshes, little tykes and barbies.

upon reaching early school age, I will prefer that she picks up a sport. it doesn't matter which one exactly. so long as she enjoys it, and takes to it naturally. Sports has a way of steadying a person. It also provides early learning for handling failure, as well as reinforcing the corellation between success and hard work. And sports will help make her lose weight. Ok, make her lose the baby fat.

She will probably have above-average intelligence. At least I hope she does. Although genetics does not assure it, her gene pool will be just 2 or 3 points away from genius ranking.

I hope she does not become a wiseass. However, I have been made to understand that being a wiseass is a little more desirable than being a dumbshit. Eitherway, both will not sit well with me.

I hope she does not use her intellect to bully people. Or to put them down. Or to get ahead in line. She should use her intellect to help people build better lives. or at least discern about the quality of life she helps improve.

Here is the ticklish part. She will not hear anything from me about having to be first honor, all the time. I never was. She was. I will just want her to enjoy school, and the socialization it offers. She can save the studying for college, when I think it will start to matter. Hopefully, she takes post-graduate studies. I never did; She was summa cum laude status at her M.A. in Journalism. Academically, I have nothing to be proud of.

Here is another ticklish situation. How do I cope if she underachieves? Parents have that frustration. From the years that I have dealt with the children of prominent families, I have come to realize that their sons and daughters do not find their motivation from their parents anymore, but from role models they aspire to. Through me, and my role as a new force in their lives, I have helped mould children into something their parents will have assumed they should have developed into, on their own. I know that. I have seen that. I have done that, and it is well-documented. But how do I grapple with it as a parent; that my child will not see me as her source of motivation? If it happens, I hope she finds inspiration in another "teacher Paul". Hopefully, the new teacher paul will know how to rechannel it all.

I hope that she will have a heart as big as mine. she will probably not wish that. My heart has caused me both pleasure and pain. and not always in that order. I hope she takes her relationships as seriously as I did; regardless of whether it would end in pain or not. We, I, will be here, waiting to comfort her, each time it did. She will live, and love, and care, and dream, just like we did. Just like I did. Just like I do. Just like I am doing now.

But she is the child I never had.

My time has come and gone.



Jesus Paul C. Yan
for The Paul Yan Chronicles
(feedback welcome)